One minute and this Today is over...Midnight.
Anonymous wrote:
The Tears Happen
Endure, grieve and move on.
The only person who is with us
our entire life is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
Can I agree with that sentiment? Yes, on one level, a purely physical one, it's true. From birth to death, the only presence constantly with us is ourselves. (Excluding God, if you believe in God, who is with us before birth, and will be after earthly death.)
However, when you have a significant other, that person has a presence in your life, too. When the person is no longer physically with you, whether due to divorce or death, the person is retained as a presence in your brain, your mental life, sometimes your dream life. That presence never disappears. It may recede for awhile, only to reappear at unexpected moments. When it's from divorce, there is always, like it or not, a chance of seeing one another, or even being together, again. When death is the cleaver separating the physical presence, all opportunities of ever having it on this earth, again, is over. That's it. Final.
When this realization truly is accepted, is that when one either decides to LIVE or to die?
For me, I believe the decision to LIVE came when I realized I might be desirable to another man. No, I don't mean sexually desirable, though that might be part of a healthy relationship. It seems sad and a bit quaint, that my existence might be based upon being needed by another person.
I couldn't see how I was needed or even wanted by anyone else, so thought there was no point in my continued existence. No one in the family needs me since they all have their own significant others who make them feel needed. Not being particularly good or talented in any special way, there didn't seem to be a reason for me to remain.
What came to me was that there might be another out there who felt the same, so actually needs me as I need him...to help him feel alive and wanted as he would me. This is how I decided to take up an idea of actually looking for that person. Just looking had been suggested by a friend who felt there was nothing wrong with starting to think there could be another person who is honest, kind and gentle with loneliness and needs like my own.
For someone who doesn't drink, or go to clubs or belong to social groups and attends small churches, the opportunities to meet someone are limited. Since my friend, after being widowed, had met her significant other through a service focused on seniors, she suggested I might try it to see if I liked the concept.
The online service I chose had an incremental method of introducing people and I wrote a profile about myself. That is one difficult thing to do! After I wrote mine, and saw the profiles of others on the site, I realized I had been about as straight-forward and honest as I could. Yet, many hardly give any information and you just have to guess...or ignore them. What's the point of putting a smidgeon of info on such a site if you want others to know about you enough to decide there's a potential interest?
Of course, my innocence of years of marriage made me open to the schemes of scammers, and I quickly learned a lesson the hard way. However, there is a core of honest men and women out there who truly do want a person with whom to start a friendship, or develop a friendship into a sincere relationship, even with the potential for marriage.
Deciding if this whole idea was something I wanted to pursue took about a month. Because interaction is limited with the free version, I paid for a month of being able to interact with others on the site. From that month, I was able to make contact and start a friendship with two gentlemanly individuals. Even though our introduction was accidental, one has taken a definite, active interest through emails, and now, phone calls. Perhaps we shall meet one of these days if I continue to feel secure in his sincerity, and he in mine.
The other person might have been appropriate, but he has not made strengthening our friendship a priority. That's OK. Each of us has an individual life of family, friends, work and other related obligations. Especially, if the person's loss has been in the more distant past, the person has worked out coping mechanisms in his or her own society or community. Making time to form a completely new relationship is not a simple matter.
The decision to try this method of meeting potential friends, and I use the term "friend" as it should be, not euphemistically as a sexual partner, has been difficult. At first I was concerned that it might be seen as somehow disloyal to my husband or his memory. My commitment to him was complete and total. Perhaps that's why his loss has been so incredibly devastating. His photo sits beside my computer and is on its screen saver. I love seeing his whimsical smile reflected there. That forever presence of my closest connection to anyone will never disappear. It is no longer in the very forefront of my mind at every moment of every day as it was. If he were here to discuss this, I hope that he would see my love is no less for him. No matter where/when, in the future, he will be my best earthly friend, never forgotten.
So, now, though I know many more tears will be shed for that man of my life who defies a complete definition as to who he was to me, it's time for me to think of Today, each and every day that comes for me, no matter how many or how few, to LIVE, again, with purpose and meaning. He would have wanted me to live that kind of life.
Now it is 1:00 a.m. of a new Today!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Today--Practical thoughts, February 10, 2012
Well, here I am at another Today when I just finished my Today from yesterday.
All night, I sought to gain another tax refund from a previous year, only to find it was done properly back then. There is satisfaction in that, though some extra funds would have been exceedingly welcome.
Today, I am thinking in a practical, objective fashion. These times must come so that final arrangements are considered and decided. My husband's and step-son's remains were both cremated. The son's cremains were interred at the "Family" cemetery, called thus because a large number of my husband's relatives are buried or memorialized there. They were a respected farming family with much community responsibility and connections. When my step-son passed away a few years ago, my husband wanted his cremains buried near family, and had hoped for a family section representing our part of his family. We had not accomplished that before my husband's passing.
No life insurance and no financial planning. This state of affairs has prevented a cemetery plot as was desired by my husband--having his immediate family's set of plots in the "Family" cemetery--where Father and Son could have their earthly remains at rest side-by-side, as well as other family members who might want the same. We can put my husband's cremains in the same grave site as his son's, since two sets of cremains may be buried in one plot. Even putting two sets in one cremains' vault is allowed at this cemetery. However, there would not be enough room to have another plot for me or for the family headstone to be erected. Of course, we learned after using a cremains vault that the Family cemetery did not require one as we were told by the funeral home.
It does pay to educate oneself in advance about all of the details of settling ones remains whether or not they are cremated. Funeral directors are not required to give full disclosure about all of the options a family has. The Family cemetery sextant has been as helpful as a funeral director in many aspects. Maybe, by physical Spring, I could save enough to buy the double plot or more, then we could have the son disinterred and both father and son interred at the same time into a new cemetery location for the family. Some of my husband's cremains will be interred at a National Cemetery to honor his service, but he wanted to also have his remains with the majority of his family, so that's why the need to purchase. This decision is thanks to one of my brothers for his sensible thoughts when I was in a quandary about my husband's unsettled wishes about either the National Cemetery or the family one. Doing both is something we can do to honor both his wishes.
For those who desire cremation, BioGift is a medical research supplier who works with individuals and families to allow a person's remains to be donated for medical research. BioGift arranges to have the body transported from place of death, whether home or hospital, without cost, to be flown to their medical facility in Oregon. After BioGift has arranged for the remains to be used for research as needed, the unused remains are cremated and returned within a couple of weeks to the family to do with as they wish. The ONLY cost to the family is the cost of death certificates. All other expenses are paid by BioGift until the family receives the cremains. After that, how and where the family keeps or inters the cremains is the family's responsibility. There are some rules about whether or not a person's body will be acceptable to BioGift, but most peoples' remains are able to be accepted.
Donating is a great gift in the service of humanity. To offer one's body for medical research may help many others to have better lives. The financial benefits simply make it easier to make the decision, one which both my husband and I decided to do. This also relieves the family of many concerns. Without the need to rush decisions, a memorial service can happen at any time when the family is able to come together.
Also, keep in mind that any sturdy receptacle can be used if the family wishes to bury or keep the cremains. It does not need to be something labeled specifically for cremains. Those containers are quite expensive from a funeral home or site online. Something with a sealable top is recommended, even though the cremains are sealed, but no sense tempting any future casual prankster if it is sitting on the mantle. Of course, the family may decide to purchase a very expensive container or urn, but it isn't necessary. The receptacle can be expensive or not, all according to the needs or desires of the individual or family. If the cremains will be cast into nature, then a nice keepsake container could be used to transport the cremains to the site, then saved for the family's sake after the cremains are dispersed.
Some individuals make their final plans and desires known explicitly in detail. Others leave it for the family to decide or simply don't have time to make the decisions they might like. In that case, a person's general demeanor and lifestyle should dictate or suggest final disposition. Memorial services, grave-sites and final dispositions are for the living, so anything that reminds them of their loved one's good traits will help with grief.
Today may bring more practical thoughts as it wears through the hours.
All night, I sought to gain another tax refund from a previous year, only to find it was done properly back then. There is satisfaction in that, though some extra funds would have been exceedingly welcome.
Today, I am thinking in a practical, objective fashion. These times must come so that final arrangements are considered and decided. My husband's and step-son's remains were both cremated. The son's cremains were interred at the "Family" cemetery, called thus because a large number of my husband's relatives are buried or memorialized there. They were a respected farming family with much community responsibility and connections. When my step-son passed away a few years ago, my husband wanted his cremains buried near family, and had hoped for a family section representing our part of his family. We had not accomplished that before my husband's passing.
No life insurance and no financial planning. This state of affairs has prevented a cemetery plot as was desired by my husband--having his immediate family's set of plots in the "Family" cemetery--where Father and Son could have their earthly remains at rest side-by-side, as well as other family members who might want the same. We can put my husband's cremains in the same grave site as his son's, since two sets of cremains may be buried in one plot. Even putting two sets in one cremains' vault is allowed at this cemetery. However, there would not be enough room to have another plot for me or for the family headstone to be erected. Of course, we learned after using a cremains vault that the Family cemetery did not require one as we were told by the funeral home.
It does pay to educate oneself in advance about all of the details of settling ones remains whether or not they are cremated. Funeral directors are not required to give full disclosure about all of the options a family has. The Family cemetery sextant has been as helpful as a funeral director in many aspects. Maybe, by physical Spring, I could save enough to buy the double plot or more, then we could have the son disinterred and both father and son interred at the same time into a new cemetery location for the family. Some of my husband's cremains will be interred at a National Cemetery to honor his service, but he wanted to also have his remains with the majority of his family, so that's why the need to purchase. This decision is thanks to one of my brothers for his sensible thoughts when I was in a quandary about my husband's unsettled wishes about either the National Cemetery or the family one. Doing both is something we can do to honor both his wishes.
For those who desire cremation, BioGift is a medical research supplier who works with individuals and families to allow a person's remains to be donated for medical research. BioGift arranges to have the body transported from place of death, whether home or hospital, without cost, to be flown to their medical facility in Oregon. After BioGift has arranged for the remains to be used for research as needed, the unused remains are cremated and returned within a couple of weeks to the family to do with as they wish. The ONLY cost to the family is the cost of death certificates. All other expenses are paid by BioGift until the family receives the cremains. After that, how and where the family keeps or inters the cremains is the family's responsibility. There are some rules about whether or not a person's body will be acceptable to BioGift, but most peoples' remains are able to be accepted.
Donating is a great gift in the service of humanity. To offer one's body for medical research may help many others to have better lives. The financial benefits simply make it easier to make the decision, one which both my husband and I decided to do. This also relieves the family of many concerns. Without the need to rush decisions, a memorial service can happen at any time when the family is able to come together.
Also, keep in mind that any sturdy receptacle can be used if the family wishes to bury or keep the cremains. It does not need to be something labeled specifically for cremains. Those containers are quite expensive from a funeral home or site online. Something with a sealable top is recommended, even though the cremains are sealed, but no sense tempting any future casual prankster if it is sitting on the mantle. Of course, the family may decide to purchase a very expensive container or urn, but it isn't necessary. The receptacle can be expensive or not, all according to the needs or desires of the individual or family. If the cremains will be cast into nature, then a nice keepsake container could be used to transport the cremains to the site, then saved for the family's sake after the cremains are dispersed.
Some individuals make their final plans and desires known explicitly in detail. Others leave it for the family to decide or simply don't have time to make the decisions they might like. In that case, a person's general demeanor and lifestyle should dictate or suggest final disposition. Memorial services, grave-sites and final dispositions are for the living, so anything that reminds them of their loved one's good traits will help with grief.
Today may bring more practical thoughts as it wears through the hours.
Monday, February 6, 2012
February 6--Our grandson's birthday, One day after Jack's
At first, this blog was to be daily, I wish I had done just that, but here is this today, weeks since my last comments. Days still seem to be just going past me, but each day itself has some small memorable moments and I'm not always concentrating on the loss.
Today, our grandson who is so far from me, is 23 years old! Jack and I were always so proud of all our grandchildren, and I'm sure he would have loved to wish our grandson a Happy Birthday. Our grandson has become a remarkable young man and we both have missed being able to be closer to him.
Jack would have been 79 yesterday. Yes, Super Bowl Sunday--we would have had a good time with that connection had he made it til then. He would likely have rooted for the Patriots, but having a Manning win with the Giants would have made him happy, too. With his heart as bad as it was, he probably couldn't have watched the Big Game, and that would have saddened and exasperated him. Too much excitement, and that didn't take a lot to accomplish, caused him to have angina. Before he passed away, even reading some books was too much for him. It's true, quality of life does make a huge difference in accepting the loss of a loved one. Letting go is so hard, but looking back to see the struggles and pain a loved experienced, makes the loss slightly more acceptable.
Jack wasn't much of a cake-eater, but preferred pies and cookies. His greatest enjoyment of food was custard, so almost all of his birthdays included a large custard baked just for him. My day would have included baking that custard for him and enjoying watching as he ate the whole desert! I used to say all those eggs at one time certainly wasn't going to help his heart, to which he responded, "At least I'll die happy and satisfied!"
Along with the birthdays, this weekend has been incredibly memorable! Our eldest granddaughter became engaged on Friday! We are welcoming an overall accomplished young man to our family. What a thrill for us all! Then our youngest granddaughter, a university student, on the same day, was given the job she had been seeking over a year. Another thrill for the family! It seemed God's way of easing the pain of memories coming on Sunday. The eldest and her fiance held a Super Bowl party and being included in their revelry, along with my preparations of the cake, helped to keep my emotions at bay. It was enjoyable to be with the group.
So many experiences not recorded! However, I refuse to feel guilty about not doing so and keeping up the blog. This blog is primarily for me to share experiences that might help another with a similar life situation. NOT blogging is as much a part of that as blogging is. In this situation, I believe it's another symptom of the day-to-day struggle not to accept what's happened. In one way, blogging about Jack's passing reminds me of the anguish of the moment and desolate feelings since. Yet, blogging also allows a way to focus on how, even in grief, the days are survivable, and may actually become more than that.
Right now, I am still struggling with staying up all night. It still isn't obvious to me why I do that since it's counter-intuitive and counter-productive to do so. It maybe that it's too hard to go to bed alone. At least the past few days, I have the recollection of dreaming, and dreaming dreams that included Jack. That's probably where "one day at a time" comes into play.
In my previous blogs, the loneliness was a focus. Some days now, the loneliness doesn't seem to be as pervasive. I am lonely, not just for people, but for a special person in my life. Someone with whom I can share my thinking and not be judged for it and for whom I can do the same. Someone who shares the small things in life. There's nothing like making a cup of tea, a good meal, a treasured desert for a special person. Their pleasure in life becomes a large part of your own.
It is so much more enjoyable to see a movie, a moonlit night, star-filled heavens looking for aurora, a glorious sunrise or sunset, scenes at the lake or in the mountains, lighthouses, a quaint town, or take a day trip with a special person. Sharing a meal out, or just a cup of coffee at the doughnut shop, or shopping at the grocery store gives a perspective through someone else's eyes that is shared through attitudes, looks, comments and discussions. "Which of this broccoli looks best to you? None! Yuck! You know I hate green things!" would be a teasing conversation that brings you closer to one another. Everyday pleasures of spontaneous conversations about hopes or plans for the house and yard, or places or people to see are so missed.
The other day, I was in a large department store looking at Valentine's gifts to share with my children and grandchildren when I began to notice all of the cards for spouses. I absolutely had no idea the impact that simple activity would have on me. Suddenly, that anguish of Jack being gone for this lifetime flooded into my very core, welling up from that pit. If it weren't for those walls God has built, I would have fallen into it completely right there in the store. It was all I could do to control myself enough to get out of the store. That's the most difficult thing to handle. When that incredible feeling of loss hits suddenly, unexpectedly, especially if you are in a public place or with someone who doesn't realize why you have become so distraught, it is pure emotion, and very little, if any, logic can stop it.
Another day, I found myself sitting at the computer, then glancing at Jack's photo sitting by the keyboard, and broke out into sobs of "why did you leave me?" How logical is that? The man did all he could to stay alive for as long as possible, he didn't choose to leave, he just couldn't make it any longer. I've heard that anger can be a part of grief, that the survivor may place blame on the lost one for leaving, but I believe my question was larger than that. It seemed to encompass questions we all ultimately want to know: Why does a person live? Why does a person have to die? Why do things have to change so drastically? We ask, even though we know that is the way of life. Life doesn't exist without change. That's the logical thinking talking.
It's been said that feelings can't be perfectly defined. We can talk of them, around them, try to describe them, but we can't define them well enough to be able to have an antidote when needed. We are even able to "identify" with another who is having similar feelings/emotions, but every emotion is idiosyncratic to the individual, so grief is as separate as it is shared. All who have it, experience it differently but in a shared community of grievers.
In some ways, we can help one another to go to the next step of living. Recently, a new acquaintance gave this quote..."Life is for the living. Memories are forever." He said he had gotten over "the life isn't fair thing but do know there is no such thing as closure" for those left after a death. It has been a number of years since his young wife passed, and even though his comment, his life seems to be going forward with new interests. Maybe we don't ever get "closure." Maybe, from my today's perspective (not sure what tomorrow will bring), we will be able to find a place in our hearts and minds to put all the anguish and pain in a space with a door we can open if needed, but keep closed, possibly eventually locked, and still keep our memories available.
Tomorrow's another today....
Today, our grandson who is so far from me, is 23 years old! Jack and I were always so proud of all our grandchildren, and I'm sure he would have loved to wish our grandson a Happy Birthday. Our grandson has become a remarkable young man and we both have missed being able to be closer to him.
Jack would have been 79 yesterday. Yes, Super Bowl Sunday--we would have had a good time with that connection had he made it til then. He would likely have rooted for the Patriots, but having a Manning win with the Giants would have made him happy, too. With his heart as bad as it was, he probably couldn't have watched the Big Game, and that would have saddened and exasperated him. Too much excitement, and that didn't take a lot to accomplish, caused him to have angina. Before he passed away, even reading some books was too much for him. It's true, quality of life does make a huge difference in accepting the loss of a loved one. Letting go is so hard, but looking back to see the struggles and pain a loved experienced, makes the loss slightly more acceptable.
Jack wasn't much of a cake-eater, but preferred pies and cookies. His greatest enjoyment of food was custard, so almost all of his birthdays included a large custard baked just for him. My day would have included baking that custard for him and enjoying watching as he ate the whole desert! I used to say all those eggs at one time certainly wasn't going to help his heart, to which he responded, "At least I'll die happy and satisfied!"
Along with the birthdays, this weekend has been incredibly memorable! Our eldest granddaughter became engaged on Friday! We are welcoming an overall accomplished young man to our family. What a thrill for us all! Then our youngest granddaughter, a university student, on the same day, was given the job she had been seeking over a year. Another thrill for the family! It seemed God's way of easing the pain of memories coming on Sunday. The eldest and her fiance held a Super Bowl party and being included in their revelry, along with my preparations of the cake, helped to keep my emotions at bay. It was enjoyable to be with the group.
So many experiences not recorded! However, I refuse to feel guilty about not doing so and keeping up the blog. This blog is primarily for me to share experiences that might help another with a similar life situation. NOT blogging is as much a part of that as blogging is. In this situation, I believe it's another symptom of the day-to-day struggle not to accept what's happened. In one way, blogging about Jack's passing reminds me of the anguish of the moment and desolate feelings since. Yet, blogging also allows a way to focus on how, even in grief, the days are survivable, and may actually become more than that.
Right now, I am still struggling with staying up all night. It still isn't obvious to me why I do that since it's counter-intuitive and counter-productive to do so. It maybe that it's too hard to go to bed alone. At least the past few days, I have the recollection of dreaming, and dreaming dreams that included Jack. That's probably where "one day at a time" comes into play.
In my previous blogs, the loneliness was a focus. Some days now, the loneliness doesn't seem to be as pervasive. I am lonely, not just for people, but for a special person in my life. Someone with whom I can share my thinking and not be judged for it and for whom I can do the same. Someone who shares the small things in life. There's nothing like making a cup of tea, a good meal, a treasured desert for a special person. Their pleasure in life becomes a large part of your own.
It is so much more enjoyable to see a movie, a moonlit night, star-filled heavens looking for aurora, a glorious sunrise or sunset, scenes at the lake or in the mountains, lighthouses, a quaint town, or take a day trip with a special person. Sharing a meal out, or just a cup of coffee at the doughnut shop, or shopping at the grocery store gives a perspective through someone else's eyes that is shared through attitudes, looks, comments and discussions. "Which of this broccoli looks best to you? None! Yuck! You know I hate green things!" would be a teasing conversation that brings you closer to one another. Everyday pleasures of spontaneous conversations about hopes or plans for the house and yard, or places or people to see are so missed.
The other day, I was in a large department store looking at Valentine's gifts to share with my children and grandchildren when I began to notice all of the cards for spouses. I absolutely had no idea the impact that simple activity would have on me. Suddenly, that anguish of Jack being gone for this lifetime flooded into my very core, welling up from that pit. If it weren't for those walls God has built, I would have fallen into it completely right there in the store. It was all I could do to control myself enough to get out of the store. That's the most difficult thing to handle. When that incredible feeling of loss hits suddenly, unexpectedly, especially if you are in a public place or with someone who doesn't realize why you have become so distraught, it is pure emotion, and very little, if any, logic can stop it.
Another day, I found myself sitting at the computer, then glancing at Jack's photo sitting by the keyboard, and broke out into sobs of "why did you leave me?" How logical is that? The man did all he could to stay alive for as long as possible, he didn't choose to leave, he just couldn't make it any longer. I've heard that anger can be a part of grief, that the survivor may place blame on the lost one for leaving, but I believe my question was larger than that. It seemed to encompass questions we all ultimately want to know: Why does a person live? Why does a person have to die? Why do things have to change so drastically? We ask, even though we know that is the way of life. Life doesn't exist without change. That's the logical thinking talking.
It's been said that feelings can't be perfectly defined. We can talk of them, around them, try to describe them, but we can't define them well enough to be able to have an antidote when needed. We are even able to "identify" with another who is having similar feelings/emotions, but every emotion is idiosyncratic to the individual, so grief is as separate as it is shared. All who have it, experience it differently but in a shared community of grievers.
In some ways, we can help one another to go to the next step of living. Recently, a new acquaintance gave this quote..."Life is for the living. Memories are forever." He said he had gotten over "the life isn't fair thing but do know there is no such thing as closure" for those left after a death. It has been a number of years since his young wife passed, and even though his comment, his life seems to be going forward with new interests. Maybe we don't ever get "closure." Maybe, from my today's perspective (not sure what tomorrow will bring), we will be able to find a place in our hearts and minds to put all the anguish and pain in a space with a door we can open if needed, but keep closed, possibly eventually locked, and still keep our memories available.
Tomorrow's another today....
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