At first, this blog was to be daily, I wish I had done just that, but here is this today, weeks since my last comments. Days still seem to be just going past me, but each day itself has some small memorable moments and I'm not always concentrating on the loss.
Today, our grandson who is so far from me, is 23 years old! Jack and I were always so proud of all our grandchildren, and I'm sure he would have loved to wish our grandson a Happy Birthday. Our grandson has become a remarkable young man and we both have missed being able to be closer to him.
Jack would have been 79 yesterday. Yes, Super Bowl Sunday--we would have had a good time with that connection had he made it til then. He would likely have rooted for the Patriots, but having a Manning win with the Giants would have made him happy, too. With his heart as bad as it was, he probably couldn't have watched the Big Game, and that would have saddened and exasperated him. Too much excitement, and that didn't take a lot to accomplish, caused him to have angina. Before he passed away, even reading some books was too much for him. It's true, quality of life does make a huge difference in accepting the loss of a loved one. Letting go is so hard, but looking back to see the struggles and pain a loved experienced, makes the loss slightly more acceptable.
Jack wasn't much of a cake-eater, but preferred pies and cookies. His greatest enjoyment of food was custard, so almost all of his birthdays included a large custard baked just for him. My day would have included baking that custard for him and enjoying watching as he ate the whole desert! I used to say all those eggs at one time certainly wasn't going to help his heart, to which he responded, "At least I'll die happy and satisfied!"
Along with the birthdays, this weekend has been incredibly memorable! Our eldest granddaughter became engaged on Friday! We are welcoming an overall accomplished young man to our family. What a thrill for us all! Then our youngest granddaughter, a university student, on the same day, was given the job she had been seeking over a year. Another thrill for the family! It seemed God's way of easing the pain of memories coming on Sunday. The eldest and her fiance held a Super Bowl party and being included in their revelry, along with my preparations of the cake, helped to keep my emotions at bay. It was enjoyable to be with the group.
So many experiences not recorded! However, I refuse to feel guilty about not doing so and keeping up the blog. This blog is primarily for me to share experiences that might help another with a similar life situation. NOT blogging is as much a part of that as blogging is. In this situation, I believe it's another symptom of the day-to-day struggle not to accept what's happened. In one way, blogging about Jack's passing reminds me of the anguish of the moment and desolate feelings since. Yet, blogging also allows a way to focus on how, even in grief, the days are survivable, and may actually become more than that.
Right now, I am still struggling with staying up all night. It still isn't obvious to me why I do that since it's counter-intuitive and counter-productive to do so. It maybe that it's too hard to go to bed alone. At least the past few days, I have the recollection of dreaming, and dreaming dreams that included Jack. That's probably where "one day at a time" comes into play.
In my previous blogs, the loneliness was a focus. Some days now, the loneliness doesn't seem to be as pervasive. I am lonely, not just for people, but for a special person in my life. Someone with whom I can share my thinking and not be judged for it and for whom I can do the same. Someone who shares the small things in life. There's nothing like making a cup of tea, a good meal, a treasured desert for a special person. Their pleasure in life becomes a large part of your own.
It is so much more enjoyable to see a movie, a moonlit night, star-filled heavens looking for aurora, a glorious sunrise or sunset, scenes at the lake or in the mountains, lighthouses, a quaint town, or take a day trip with a special person. Sharing a meal out, or just a cup of coffee at the doughnut shop, or shopping at the grocery store gives a perspective through someone else's eyes that is shared through attitudes, looks, comments and discussions. "Which of this broccoli looks best to you? None! Yuck! You know I hate green things!" would be a teasing conversation that brings you closer to one another. Everyday pleasures of spontaneous conversations about hopes or plans for the house and yard, or places or people to see are so missed.
The other day, I was in a large department store looking at Valentine's gifts to share with my children and grandchildren when I began to notice all of the cards for spouses. I absolutely had no idea the impact that simple activity would have on me. Suddenly, that anguish of Jack being gone for this lifetime flooded into my very core, welling up from that pit. If it weren't for those walls God has built, I would have fallen into it completely right there in the store. It was all I could do to control myself enough to get out of the store. That's the most difficult thing to handle. When that incredible feeling of loss hits suddenly, unexpectedly, especially if you are in a public place or with someone who doesn't realize why you have become so distraught, it is pure emotion, and very little, if any, logic can stop it.
Another day, I found myself sitting at the computer, then glancing at Jack's photo sitting by the keyboard, and broke out into sobs of "why did you leave me?" How logical is that? The man did all he could to stay alive for as long as possible, he didn't choose to leave, he just couldn't make it any longer. I've heard that anger can be a part of grief, that the survivor may place blame on the lost one for leaving, but I believe my question was larger than that. It seemed to encompass questions we all ultimately want to know: Why does a person live? Why does a person have to die? Why do things have to change so drastically? We ask, even though we know that is the way of life. Life doesn't exist without change. That's the logical thinking talking.
It's been said that feelings can't be perfectly defined. We can talk of them, around them, try to describe them, but we can't define them well enough to be able to have an antidote when needed. We are even able to "identify" with another who is having similar feelings/emotions, but every emotion is idiosyncratic to the individual, so grief is as separate as it is shared. All who have it, experience it differently but in a shared community of grievers.
In some ways, we can help one another to go to the next step of living. Recently, a new acquaintance gave this quote..."Life is for the living. Memories are forever." He said he had gotten over "the life isn't fair thing but do know there is no such thing as closure" for those left after a death. It has been a number of years since his young wife passed, and even though his comment, his life seems to be going forward with new interests. Maybe we don't ever get "closure." Maybe, from my today's perspective (not sure what tomorrow will bring), we will be able to find a place in our hearts and minds to put all the anguish and pain in a space with a door we can open if needed, but keep closed, possibly eventually locked, and still keep our memories available.
Tomorrow's another today....
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